Where to start??? When I was in New York I realized a lot. I wish I could take back some things that were done or said in the prior months before that. New York was a really good, but honestly I was missing something. I was missing my best friend and the guy I needed to work things out with instead of running from everything. After returning from New York and a few days after my birthday, we broke up. I have learned that sometimes we put walls up not necessarily to keep people out, but to see who cares to break them down. I wish I could of not had a wall up and that we were still dating. Maybe things are the way they are suppose to be... I know they are not the way I WANT them to be. After breaking up, things were really tough. I couldn't stop thinking about him and what could have been. With the help of a friend, I was able to get through to him.
Around that same time I was in a really bad car accident. I was fortunate to only come out with scraps and bruises. After he learned I was in an accident and my previous pleads for us to talk things out he finally came over. I don't believe at that point he was truly ready to talk and wanted the same things I wanted. It was proven after dating him for only a few weeks. He was scared and didn't want to let me in. He pushed me away. I don't know that he truly got to see the real me. I tried to be happy and work things out between us, but when you don't feel needed or wanted that is a really hard thing to do.
So it goes back to the wall theory- sometimes you build walls up around you and they are not intended to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. After a few weeks of being together we were both not happy. I was trying to make him happy and fix things between us so we could get over that hump in our relationship. But, after being told it had nothing to do with me (and it did), being lied too and treated like I wasn't important it was over. I tried showing him that I was there to help him through whatever he needed, but it was apparent I wasn't good enough to break down his wall.
I question myself all the time. I am back to finding some insight into myself and who I am. I have learned a lot along the way. I learned that I am not happy with who I am, I want to change for me, I know what I did really wrong in all of my past relationships... One major thing is I should have been more positive and I should not have relied on others to make me happy. While worrying about making him happy I lost my own happiness in the end which in turn made him think that HE didn't make me happy. For all those that do choose to read this, whether you are married or dating or single learn from me. You control your own happiness. It's not your partners, friends or families job to make you happy it is your own! The other thing that really makes me mad at myself is that I lost what I loved to do for fun. Because I loved him and wanted to spend time with him I did whatever he was doing instead of having my own hobbies. Learn from me, in return you loose yourself and its the wrong thing to do for BOTH of your happiness. I am now struggling with figuring out what I actually like to do with my free time.
Writing this out helps me make changes. If you know me you know that I have taken the last few months really hard. I am sure I will struggle some more, but eventually I will find myself. The hardest thing to get over is that vision of what I thought my future was going to look like and loosing my best friend that I loved.
Looking back on the last month of hurt, regret and lots, lots and lots of thinking I look at what do I truly want? What changes do I need to make? I know that I will get through this and that I will find happiness like I had at one time.
I also faith that this is just another bump in the road and that I have lots of more miles ahead of me.
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